How many calories does a Gazan need? Ask Israel.

Posted: June 27, 2010 in International politics, Satire

The BBC recently gained access to documents submitted to an Israeli court, revealing that the list of food imports allowed through the blockade is determined by a calculation of how many calories the people of Gaza might need to survive; though the documents mention that this is apparently not linked to government policy making, whatever that means. Mind you, this might set a precedent for western governments worried about  national obesity levels. Doctors could be given the authority to impose compulsory, daily calorie intakes on patients diagnosed as obese or morbidly obese. If a patient fails to comply, they’re simply left to starve like the Gazans and if they actively resist then they face house demolition, arrest and the designation,”terrorist”.  Although this would dispense of expensive treatments such as liposuction or stomach stapling, saving a fortune for national health services and insurance companies,  it would attract serious resistance from international fast food giants.  These doughty guardians of the free market might even launch a campaign to break the calorie blockade with free deliveries of illegal Super Meals* to customers affected by these tough new anti-obesity measures. However, such actions are easily dealt with by force if necessary  and backed up with a three-day media blitz by official food czar, Jamie Oliver. Just get him to repeat the following lines ad nauseam on every news bulletin (and he will get on every one of them!): 

  • “The operations launched against the McJoint outlets today are security operations, not military offensives on international territory as claimed by their managers”.
  • “The operations are designed to stop shipments of illegal Super Meals* to people listed as obese”.
  •  “We are very happy and ready to facilitate shipments to those people of permitted fruit and vegetables through our official depots.”
  • “This is not a war against innocent fat people. It is a war on the international scourge of obesity.”

(* A Super Meal is defined by the World Fast Food Institute as “a packaged meal of approximately 5 million calories and consisting of:  1 x one-pound burger, 1x mega portion of fries with free top up,  1 x 1 gallon of fizzy drink, 1 x imported item of fruit and a free Super Meal token for next visit.”)

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