World Cup Latest. England Players Stolen From Hotel!

Posted: June 29, 2010 in Satire, The Footie

England’s World Cup woes worsened yesterday when several players were stolen from the Royal Bafokeng hotel (or as it is called more fittingly for its English guests, sports complex). Thought to be missing after a head count on the Team England bus are John Terry, Gareth Barry, Frank Lampard, Ashley Cole and Emile Heskey, although it later emerged that the thieves had dumped Heskey just outside Johannesburg.  He is said to be in shock but unharmed and is now hitching his way back to the hotel. 

“This is very common with all burglaries”, said the police captain in charge of the investigation. “The thieves will carry off as much as they can get away with and then dump items of no value. I’m optimistic the remaining players will turn up over the next few days.”

However, some of the stolen players’ teammates suspect that the burglary was far too easy, testament to the level of division and strife within the sorry England camp. “I know Lamps and Ash were terrified of going home to face the media”, remarked Steven Gerrard. “And Big Emile heard rumours from home that he had his British passport cancelled and wouldn’t get back into the country”.

Asked if he was suggesting some kind of conspiracy, Gerrard refused to comment but a raise of the eyebrows said it all.

However, a pool attendant who was listening into the hastily convened, scene-of-the-crime media conference had his own theory. “Everybody in the hotel is talking about it!”, he exclaimed. “The burglars just mistook the players for cardboard cut outs and nicked them as souvenirs. After their poor performance against the Germans, these players remind us all that our victory over France was truly a national triumph!”

Meanwhile, in Johannesburg, the South African police commissioner, General Beki Chele, promised that the full force of the city’s traffic police would be deployed to find the missing players. The General, who prayed that the USA would be knocked out early to avoid a “nightmare” visit by President Obama, refused to ask God’s intervention on this latest World Cup fiasco. “One must be careful what one prays for”, he said with a wink to the English media.

  1. Rabelais says:

    Pavlos Joseph, the English football fan accuse of ‘trespassing’ in the England dressing room after the the match against Algeria, has been fined 750 rand. Should the England football team be subject to similar fine for trespassing in a world cup, somewhere they clearly had no business being.

    Mr Joseph claims he was look for a toilet. As a resident of Crystal Palace in London, he aught to know one when he sees one.

    • Good point, Rab. Lucky for them, the law in SA doesn’t allow property holders to shoot on such trespassers on sight.

      As for the redoubtable Mr Pavlos, he said he entered the changing room to find David Beckham and Princes Harry and William trying to up the morale of the players, deflated after their poor showing against the Algerians. Hmm. Apparently, Prince Harry was goofing around a la Coco the Clown. I shudder to think.

      On that cheery note, the two princes were interviewed on BBC Radio Five Live after the match and put on their best estuarry accents for effect, even resorting to player nick names like “Lamps”, “Roo” and Becks. Credit to them, though – they refrained from using John Terry’s nickname. It was before the 9 o’clock watershed after all.

      Is there no end to the idiocies of the royal mind?

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