England burning: “Send in Stephen Nolan!” says Daily Mail. “A step too far!” says Cameron.

Posted: August 11, 2011 in Current affairs, Satire

The Daily Mail yesterday called on the British government to send in the BBC’s Stephen Nolan to quell the riots in England.  However, despite increasing pressure to deploy extreme measures to bring the crisis under control, Prime Minister Cameron said that deploying Nolan in built-up areas against roaming gangs of looters and arsonists was in the present situation a step too far. “My fear”, he said, “would be that innocent people might get hurt, that it would cause more problems than it would solve”.

Nolan: weapon of last resort?

The Prime Minister was mindful of the embarrassment of deploying the less lethal weapon, Boris Johnson, in Clapham last Monday (8 August), only for it to fail instantly and put Home Secretary Theresa May in immediate danger from angry residents.

Boris Johnson: non-lethal and not very effective

A spokesman at No.10 Downing St said, “Stephen Nolan may be effective as riot control in Belfast where the population is rather dim. But this is England. Enough said.” The London Metropolitan Police also rejected the need for Nolan on the streets of English cities. “We English”, said a spokesman who preferred not to be named, “are a civilized people and we believe in policing by consent. Using a lethal weapon like Stephen Nolan is fine for the Irish but not for British citizens – even black ones.”

Nolan, one of the few broadcasters from Northern Ireland who has made it on the national airwaves (due to general difficulties with voice and accent), was unavailable for comment when contacted last night but friends in a bar in salubrious Crawfordsburn, were sure that Stephen would be ready and willing to go in if called into service. “He’d be brilliant!” said tired and emotional Eamonn. His friend, Gloria, was rather more specific. “Get those rioters on the air!” she demanded. “Let Stephen sort em out!”

Professor Gerald Adams, weapons research expert, said that the big advantage of deploying Nolan was maximum impact. He would cause such terrible devastation that any rioters left would lose the will to continue and surrender to the police. “Unfortunately, the riots are taking place in large cities, not the Mojave Desert [site of American weapons testing] so I wouldn’t recommend using this weapon in such a built-up environment.”

The right-wing England Defence League also said that Nolan is not the answer but called for the Prime Minister to deploy the nuclear option. “We say bring in Lembit Opik!”, said a masked spokesman.

Opik: the nuclear option.

The Archbishop of Canterbury rejected this call and said it displayed an appalling lack of judgement. “No offence to Mr Opik but I remember the 1980s and the fear of nuclear war. We really don’t want a repeat of that on our streets.”

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